“I choose an eternity of this, like falling angels, the world disappeared”- Siamese Twins-The Cure
This isn’t easy to write about, but I knew that the time was going to come when I had to talk about what exactly the catalyst was for me to embark on this journey.
For a good part of my life I struggled with addiction and depression. We know this already. Like I had written in Why no one could complete you I could never find myself falling in love with someone, at least not for long.
Once a relationship was over for me, it was over. No looking back, no question or concern. It would be like I never met the person even, cold yes I know, but that’s just the way I rolled.
Until the day came where that all changed, all the pain and heart break I caused others throughout the years finally came back to bite me in the ass.
I was starting my life over. I had just got out of a 6 year turbulent relationship with my daughter’s father. I started a new job at a place I have always wanted to work at. I was surprised to see that it became easy to get along with my coworkers. I made friends there as well.
I didn’t notice him at first, yet even give a shit that he had interest in me. I brushed it off for a while. But I remember there was a weird pull that I couldn’t explain. I didn’t know then that this person was my twin flame.
I could get into all the details of what happened but I like to summarize. This “fling” went on for 6 months. And I’ll never forget the day when it was really over.
I’ve never felt so much pain, I felt like my ego got completely shattered into a million pieces. And I couldn’t understand why it hurt so much. Was this a heartbreak? Maybe. But for me it felt like an awakening.
That’s why twin flames come in to your life. To awaken you, to shake you up. To mirror the things that you love and hate about yourself.
But most importantly they come into your life to show you what love really is: unconditional love.
The only unconditional love I ever felt was for my kids. So I couldn’t understand why I felt the way I did about him. I couldn’t accept it, I didn’t want to digest it. Because I didn’t know what the hell I was feeling or what was going on. I wasn’t ready to feel I was so good at running away from it.
I did everything to forget him, but I couldn’t. The connection was always there no matter what. We both didn’t understand why we kept coming back, it was like a fucking magnet, some unknown force that wouldn’t go away.
I decided to heal and make peace with the connection as I realized that it was interfering with my current relationship. I knew that I had to accept that this would be a connection that would always be there.
And that’s the thing about twin flames, we don’t always end up together. We meet them because we are subconsciously ready for growth. Even if it takes a while to get there. We are ready to ascend to the next level.
I knew before I met him that I needed a huge change not just in my general life but spiritually as well.
Meeting your twin is the most beautiful destructive thing you could ever experience. And its definitely not for the faint of heart. It’s a journey full of pain and realization. It’s full of all consuming “why the fuck do I still think of him when I don’t really like him” type of love. They make you face your shit whether you want to or not, those childhood wounds will come boiling up making you remember you had daddy issues for sure. There’s no escaping it. Even if we run away or block the connection, it’s always going to be there waiting.
It’s been three years so far, and I could honestly say I have made peace with the connection. I realized that when I ran from it, it would only come back to haunt me. I knew that the only way to maneuver through this was to make peace with myself and that in itself is making peace with the other as well.
Cause all twin flames are one.