The Book of Secrets

The only way you are going to seek justice is by using your voice. The only way you are going to be authentic, is by speaking your truth”- Myself to my inner child.

The Book of Secrets.

“Shut the hell up!” My dad screamed at me in front of my son. I knew this was going to be the last time I would ever endure his or my mother’s abuse.

I was hit and sent to my room for hours when I was a child.

Isolation.

Shame.

Never having the ability to really express myself if I did I would be punished.

Isolated from friends or punished for not having good grades instead of helping me.

Emotional neglect.

Manipulation.

Gaslighting.

Alcohol abuse home environment.

Dad wouldn’t come home sometimes because of alcohol abuse.

Witnessing mom and dad argue.

Mom always putting dad first causing her to emotionally neglect her children.

Grew up never feeling seen or heard, my feelings were never valid. They were always right. I felt like I always had to agree with them or else I would be cast away or ignored.

This continued onto high school. I started cutting myself, to which my mother completely dismissed. Ironically I didn’t know that it was a cry for help back then.

Got even more controlling.

Developed depression and anxiety.

Ran away from home.

Got pregnant with my son.

They still wanted to take control.

Depression and anxiety turned into alcohol abuse after they took my son away.

By the time my son was 2 they took temp custody. Lied to me and said I had to sign the paper when I didn’t have to implying that he was going to be taken away by cps.

I was only 19.

When I was a teenager I knew something was off but I didn’t know I was being abused. As they always made me feel I was crazy, even sending me to a mental hospital without my consent at age 17 before I had gotten pregnant with my son.

They never wanted to attend therapy because you know.. they were perfect.

But they sure made me do it.

This has continued into my adulthood. Spreading lies about everything since I was a child. Everything is a secret. For fear of what people may think about the dysfunction that goes on behind closed doors. To the outside they seem like they’re perfectly normal.

They isolated my son from seeing his dad, they would make up excuses that he wouldn’t follow through when this wasn’t true. I didn’t even realize that we were all codependent puppets in their show.

They took complete control over his life, even though it was supposed to be temporary. Claiming they wanted to help me. What help?

They never let me parent him since he was born. They were a dark shadow, always having to make there presence be known. Everyone enabled this behavior. Especially his great grandmother (maternal) she has always undermined my abilities as a parent up to this day. Come to think of it, she undermined and verbally abused EVERYONE in the family. But somehow it was always excused.

I’ll never forget the day I had gotten pregnant again with my boyfriend at the time. And my dad told me if I didn’t get an abortion that he would disown me. Looking back now, I was always so terrified of him.

My mom took me to the clinic and I was forced to have the procedure done. (I was three months pregnant by the way) it was one of the most traumatic experiences I’ve ever encountered. But you know we went home and acted like nothing happened.

How’s that for a freedom of choice?

I ended up getting pregnant again with my daughter. Of course they didn’t want me to have her but I did anyway.

They treated her like an outsider for years.

I wish I had known at the time as to why I had alcohol problems, depression, and anxiety. I would see numerous counselors but they were no help as I couldn’t get to the root of the matter at the time, or maybe I was just in denial. I didn’t want to believe how bad it really was. And I also didn’t see how fucking codependent I was.

These people made me believe that I was the problem most of my life that I started thinking I really was. I felt like I failure and that I could never make it.

In fact there’s been times where they both had said I would be homeless if it weren’t for them when I would go back to live with them.

I would always leave and come back because it would be the same shit over and over. I couldn’t see what sick cycle I was trapped in and I couldn’t see that I was the only one that can get myself out because I grew up believing I wasn’t capable of doing anything on my own. And I started noticing the same behaviors being acted out on my son when I moved back in again.

I thought all of this was normal. Even though deep down I didn’t I guess I accepted their reality as something that was ok (it can’t be that bad, look how much they’ve done for me, look through my mother’s Facebook and everything “appears normal on the surface, went on vacations, had “holidays together as a family” which was always fueled by alcohol by the way, they “helped” me out) But something was always off, it’s like no one was allowed to be happy. I mean they were never happy if I did anything good for myself. They were never happy for anyone’s success. It was all a facade.

I remember I was so happy when I bought my first car, and my “father” got so mad because I didn’t go to him for help instead of being happy for me. Who the fuck does that? I thought parents were supposed to be happy for their adult children’s independence?

My mother wasn’t any better either, she always enabled my dads behavior. I once asked her why does my dad act like that? And she would completely dismiss it and say talk to your dad about it.

They were a great team.

They could never be happy for others. They wanted other people to be miserable like them. As long as everyone was sad they were happy.

Then came the point where I got sober. I’m a year sober next month. And even before that as I had my slips for three years as I desperately wanted to stop drinking, somehow I would relapse because I was so consumed with my own darkness (I was getting sober while living with them)

I knew my parents and the whole family dynamics were fucked but I couldn’t get the help or resources because I couldn’t grasp what was going on yet.

Until last year things started clicking. I started doing research

and it clicked. I mean I knew they were abusive and I thought I had forgiven them but there would be things that would happen and I would find myself getting so triggered (I was diagnosed with ptsd). But what I didn’t realize is that the abuse never ended, it explained all the pain that was coming back trying to show me something and it also explained the feelings of dissociation and forgotten memories from my childhood up until now, I didn’t realize that I was living off this trauma and it had caused my brain to shut out painful memories. And this abuse kept going up until the present moment through manipulation, undermining and control.

I tried numerous times since I was a teen explaining to them that their behavior was unacceptable but I was always seen as the problem up until I was an adult. And I noticed more and more how my son couldn’t express himself and felt that if he didn’t listen to them he would get punished.

The same shit that I grew up with.

I knew enough was enough. This sick enmeshment had to end once and for all. I realized that my whole family was like this.

I had given my power away for most of my life.

For the last time it was the day before Mother’s Day I attempted to have one last talk with them about these things, but this time addressing their behavior towards my son. Simply expressing how they need to back off in a nice way, as compassionate as I could and let his actual parents take care of him (he’s going to be 14 in November) how they need to give him space and how other people’s feelings matter and boundaries are important. Implying once again to have a peaceful household for the sake of the children. They did not take this well AT ALL, I seriously didn’t expect nor was I prepared for the wrath that was to come.

Well the conversation that dragged on for two days did absolutely NOTHING as it ended up being all about them and their feelings like always. As the days passed after that I saw the retaliation from them all because we had stated to let us parent and to respect Judas’s and our boundaries. It was the worst I’ve ever seen, it started the day after Mother’s Day, when my mother went into Judas’s room in the morning while I was in the living room, asking him if he needed to be picked up or dropped off to which I interrupted and reminded her that we had discussed for two days that we would let her know, her response of course was “you know I like to take him and pick him up, what am I supposed to do with myself “ and also “we’re starting again?” To which I responded “starting what?” And she got mad like a child and off to her room she went completely disregarding his independence and our boundaries. I didn’t know that the worst was yet to come.

May 16.

We went to pick up my son from school, to which I don’t think my mother was fond of as she went and picked him up the day before without letting me know, and of course my son came back with gifts for himself and his sister, (I knew what my mother was doing here) I didn’t say anything, because I knew that’s what she wanted, a reaction but man it was so hard I was harboring so much anger inside. Anyway back to May 16 we picked up my son, and I knew something was brewing, I felt the nastiness in my stomach. We got home, everything seemed fine so it seems. But my mother was acting a little odd. She was laughing out loud and talking to herself. It was very odd. Little did I know that she was working out another manipulation tactic. My partner got home, to which my father demanded to him like a child that “we needed to clean the bathroom and to not leave the side door unlocked” he had stated that his wife (my mother) had told him this, to which Sanyo responded that it wasn’t true and that he didn’t need to tell us to clean the bathroom. My father has never done this before but I saw what was going on here, this made me so upset because I knew that they were now trying to start their shit with Sanyo. I also realized that they were using their home as a control tactic even though we have been paying rent I also realized we fucked up big time by moving back in with them. And I just couldn’t contain myself any longer. So I went to the house and told him that he didn’t need to tell Sanyo what to do, to which he lost his shit. No joke. He straight up yelled at me while saying “shut the hell up”in front of Sanyo and my son Judas, who finally saw the mask fall off and boy did it get ugly and of course my mother came to the rescue acting like she didn’t create the scenario trying to calm my dad down. But I saw past all that shit because I had finally figured out my mom was a master manipulator. On the outside she seemed friendly and maybe even showing empathy, but it was only to her advantage.

This was a breakthrough moment as my son finally came forward about all the emotional and mental abuse that was done to him, how he was always afraid to speak up or confront them because he didn’t want to start conflict, and how they always casted myself and his father as the bad people. But my son said he’s always known the truth.

And that’s when I accepted the truth, that these people were not capable of unconditional love, that we were seen as objects, and not people with feelings. It never felt like true love, it was all bull shit.

I made a decision on Mother’s Day that I was done. I didn’t have the emotional capacity nor the energy to give to these people anymore. It just wasn’t worth it after fighting for peace since I was a child. All the negativity and emotional and psychological abuse just wasn’t worth it anymore.

I’m 31 now with 2 children a wonderful partner and a baby on the way.

I knew that my family and my happiness came first. And I knew I didn’t want my children yet alone this new baby surrounded by this dysfunction anymore.

That’s the day I decided that the cycle was going to be broken once and for all.

I was going to be the one to end the abusive cycle even if it meant that I was going to lose other family members as well.

And frankly I just don’t care anymore.

Life is too short to cast aside your own happiness for the expense of others.

And just because it’s your family, it does not mean you have to put up with abuse. This isn’t what unconditional love is. A true family is acceptance and freedom. Freedom to be who you are and freedom of speech, freedom to expression, freedom to opinion.

We are in a new era now where we aren’t taking anyone’s bull shit anymore.

We are taking a stand, we are fighting for what is right. We aren’t holding back anymore no matter how tough it fucking gets.

So on 5/12/19 is the day I decided to take my life and power back. It’s the day that I decided I was done. I’m telling this story, not for people to feel bad for me, but to finally speak about my story. To not believe everything you see. People have a good way of hiding shit behind closed doors, this is why narcissism is on the rise and a much talked about discussion as we are becoming more aware of this. Question everything and be aware of everything. Always use your voice and speak your truth. Never give up your boundaries and always fight for what’s right. Always trust your intuition, if you feel uncomfortable it’s for a damn reason. And also I’m going to repeat this again, remember that just because someone is family it DOES not give them any right to treat you like shit. There’s people out there that are willing to accept you and love you unconditionally, and unfortunately they’re not always blood related. And if you see someone that’s in distress talk to them, you never know how much they may need a trusted friend to talk to.

Edit: things got much worse after these events and we were forced to leave the house. Cops were involved and Judas’s father and I are in the process of ending the guardianship.

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